The Later Years

Wow! It has been a hard year for me and for many of my friends and family.  My beloved Mother passed away in January after a long illness with lung cancer and no one knew that that was what we were fighting. I returned home from teaching English in Shantou in July of last year and I could see that my mom was going downhill. She did not insist on picking me up from the airport like she usually did, but at the time I didn't think a lot of it. The days following, I would stop over to see her and she would be sleeping only to try and jump out of bed when she heard her door open. She never wanted to let down her guard and share anything she was going through. She didn't want to burden us with her problems, but I truly wish she would have.  I could tell she was in pain a lot of the time and we all chalked it up to the arthritis and osteoporosis she had been suffering from for years. Deep in my heart I knew her time of passing was coming, but on the surface, I was in denial and remained that way up until the week before we lost her. 

One morning she woke up and her shoulder hurt so she went to the doctor who prescribed some anti-inflammatories. The medication wasn't helping and one morning she couldn't stand up without shaking so I took her to the emergency room.  They gave her more medication that didn't help and when we returned once more they finally admitted her and told me that they wouldn't let her go until they found out what was going on. 

After an MRI and many other tests, they discovered she had stage 4 lung cancer. Apparently, she had it for many years and we never knew. Yes, she smoked, but always appeared to be a picture of health and cancer didn't run in the family so we accepted her smoking as best as we could. Oh, don't get me wrong - all of us kids tried many times over the years to get her to stop, but nothing ever worked. She was very stubborn and refused to quit. Secretly, I hated her for that. I stopped smoking years earlier and so did my brother. Seems like she could have made the effort. I was her main caretaker and devoted daughter for over 10 years and I feel like if she had made the effort to quit - maybe we could have traveled more and done a lot of fun things at the end of her life instead of the doom and gloom that slowly took over.  

When she was in her better years she was funny and cute with words of wisdom in every other sentence. She was very skinny and had a vengeance against anyone who was overweight. If we gained a few extra pounds we would hear about it over and over until we were convinced she was right. It was one of her missions in life to be surrounded by skinny healthy people - no exceptions. She loved animals more than most people and was a bit of a recluse her whole life. Her family was most important to her other than her love of animals and although she didn't have a lot of friends or indulge in activities outside the house - everyone who met her loved her. Her hobbies included painting wood ducks and birds as well as keeping her house neat and orderly. She loved to watch birds and go to Brookgreen Gardens. She loved nature, but developed allergy problems from grass and mold which limited her outdoor exposure.

Her last days in Hospice the love of her family surrounded her. We sang, we prayed, we felt her presence lingering over us as she lay in a deep state of a morphine induced high. She waited until all of us were there as Jim my older brother was delayed in his arrival because of a snow storm. When all of us were there we talked with her and said our goodbyes.

 Late one night I think we all knew it was time and I had to take Lisa to the airport in Myrtle Beach. It was a 45-minute drive. Lisa still has deep issues with our father as we all do and so we talked about it on the way back to Mom's house before we went to the airport.  When we were almost to Mom's house I heard Mom say to both of us - loudly,,,,, "Oh why don't you just get over it!!!" I am sure that was Mom and I believe she passed shortly before because minutes later when we reached the house there was a text from Jim saying that Mom had passed. It was after the text, after she passed that she communicated with me I am convinced it was her and no one will ever make me believe it was anything else. 

 In the gloomy days that followed I felt her presence a lot. We always had a thing about our cars and the quirky things that go wrong with them. With my car the issue was always the clock -  mysteriously it would come on and go off whenever it felt like it. Over the years I tried to get it fixed, but it was always a huge job for the mechanic and it seems like the time or funds were never available. I tell no lie that after Mom passed songs came on the radio to tell me she was sorry and things would be better in the future. Soon after the clock in my car started to light up occasionally and I would feel her warmth and presence. She told me through her spirit to push the two buttons near the clock and it would work. It did for a while, then it would go off. When I thought of her it would come back on. After I visited her neighbor LWanda and we talked about Mom I could feel her smiling and the clock in my car came on. This happened often for a couple of months after her passing.

Over time and little by little her presence seemed to be leaving me and it was hard to go to the house. It was a cold sick in the pit of your stomach feeling and I cried and cried. I would press the 2 buttons on my clock asking her to please visit me one more time. It happened but over the days - less and less. The sadness was almost unbearable. I needed to get out of Myrtle Beach. To go away so I wouldn't have to be around the familiar surroundings. 

After I left Myrtle Beach to come to Hangzhou China to teach English I knew Mom would still be in my memories, but gone forever. However, when I arrived at my new apartment a warm feeling came over me once more. Inside the apartment - someone had left a large soup or tea cup in the pattern of blue willow ware. Mom loved this pattern and we had had it in our lives forever. All my years in China I had never seen it here until now. Although it may be common pattern in China – here it is – in my new home sitting on a shelf like a welcome gift. I believe this is a sign that I made the right decision to come back here and that my Mom is still watching out for me.  She will be watching out for all of us for a very long time. My sadness is still here and I don't think you are supposed to get over it. I think you just learn to live with it and look for the signs that the person you loved is still here.  Never too far away.